Breathing

Survive vs. delight. I guess I can combine the two and take joy in my survival. I mean after all there are entire television series about people surviving in the wild. I think that the cameramen would fall asleep on my African adventure though. Email, walk to the lab, talk to the techs, back to desk, email, check the logs, email, repeat.

Mrs. Cummins, you are right the vaccine trial is exciting and it is neat to be on the edge of the medicine. Though I am not involved in the capacity that I wish I was. I get to read about how the vaccine works and understand the science behind the endeavor, which is neat, however, the more I think about it, the more I wish that I was a part of the invention rather than just applying the genius of another lab team. It is not that I do not recognize the opportunity, only that I am getting to know myself a little better in so far as the pieces of this project in which I find genuine interest.

Uncle Bill, it's posts like your last that keep me from giving up over here. So. Thank you. You are an inspiration for me to continue learning and seeking the knowledge to make me more effective in my work here.

Before I forget I should document something that happen this past week. Fairly certain that Heather nearly died laughing when I told her the story. Kahler, Katy and I were in town (Northmead market area). Kahler and I hopped out at an ATM to grab some cash. As I am maneuvering a massive puddle that Joseph parked in a fella washing his car next to us (likely the reason for the puddle as I look back) pointed at my eyebrow ring and said 'you a bad gangsta'. Needless to say Kahler and I looked at each other and laughed. Maybe John Wayne is less 'gangsta' than I am but, other than that I think the list is short.

By the seventh of this month I will know whether I am able to return early July or late. Either way, I will make it. It's about the breathing, surviving, and hope in the fact that there are no mistakes.

Pap, that little devotional that you sent me was pretty great. Basically, people like my Pa, brother, and I are really terrible at doing nothing. If there is a problem I am going to try and fix it. If I don't know how something is supposed to work I want to figure it out.

There is much to be said for patience. This skill has been honed from nothing over the recent years, with a good deal, I feel, having taken place in my relatively short time here. Being content is waiting for what is coming is next is much simpler to say. It is certainly not as hopeless as all of this it's just very honestly how I am feeling.

Focus on the good. Mr. Cummins said it well, I am here for a reason and though it is more difficult than the alternative it is something that I do not regret. I have been thinking about the nutshell explanation of my experience here.

Maybe I can liken it to climbing a mountain or hiking a trail. That mountain doesn't look too bad until you are just about half way and coping with that, 'what the blank was I thinking?' You buckle down, press on, and reach the top because you are physically able given the drive you possess to see it through. After you have defeated that sucker you get on that flat ground again with a tremendous respect and appreciation for that bit of rock. You cursed it on the way up though.

I don't think that it is something that anyone can learn vicariously nor, if they could fast forward to the hindsight perspective, would they want to. For myself that 'what was I thinking?' has made me much more dependent and thankful that our Lord is sovereign.

Zambia and ZEHRP have taught me lessons that I will not soon forget. I am praying for the wisdom to get done what I need to before I leave and grace to do what I should despite the leadership that doesn't see it.

Brother, it was so good getting to talk to you this weekend. I really miss you guys a lot. For the first time I believed that someone knew what I was going through over here, thank you for that.

So here's to the next two or three months watching the season change, meeting people, developing friendships, being a part of a promising HIV vaccine trial, living with a house-keeper, and soaking up the good here in Africa. There will be rough parts but I will make it to the top and praise the Lord for the strength He gave me to get there.

This bad gangsta will keep on breathing.